António Lobo Antunes – Descompustura ao meu amigo lá de cima

António Lobo Antunes
Descompustura ao meu amigo lá de cima

Deus, estou zangado contigo. Suponho que já Te habituaste às minhas zangas como Te habituaste às minhas dúvidas, aos meus afastamentos, aos meus regressos a fingir que não venho, aos momentos de harmonia que de vez em quando existem entre nós, à minha incompreensão de tanta coisa que fazes ou não fazes, aos meus ralhetes, aos meus amuos, ao que considero as Tuas injustiças, a Tua crueldade e se calhar não é injustiça, se calhar não é crueldade, sou parvo, não ligues, não consigo entender as Tuas profundezas e os Teus caminhos, o significado dos Teus gestos. Só que ultimamente tens exagerado: o ano ainda mal começou e já desataste a despovoar o mundo à minha roda, eu que nunca fui próximo de muita gente, bicho do mato a fechar-me, a fechar-me. Começaste pelo Zé Manel Rodrigues da Silva, não sei se Te lembras dele, era jornalista, morava na Rua Azedo Gneco, usava óculos, acho que Te lembras porque se vestia de uma maneira única, fumava cachimbo, tinha brinquedos em casa, bebia chá, os olhos desapareciam a sorrir, era muito generoso e muito bom, usava cabelo comprido com risca ao meio, barba, um anel de prata no mindinho, houve uma altura em que fumou cigarros de mortalha, se procurares achas fotografias da gente os dois no Teu arquivo. Tiraste o Zé Manel sem razão, não fazia mal a ninguém, fez bem a muitas pessoas a começar por mim que estou aqui a jeito
(estou sempre aqui a jeito)
segurava os óculos com um fio. O Zé Manel, desculpa lá, não perdoo, quer dizer não digo que daqui a uns tempos não perdoe mas para já não perdoo. E a seguir, pumba, a Tereza. Dessa recordas-Te, não mintas, foi a semana passada, perdão, o funeral foi domingo passado, fresco ainda, não franzas a testa a pensar, não Te escapes, é impossível que não Te recordes, a mulher do Rui, a mãe do Henrique e da Sara, pertencíamos à mesma editora, a Tereza tomava conta de mim, foste tão duro para ela nos últimos tempos e a Tereza sempre corajosa, digna, sem uma queixa. E depois do coiso no cérebro de que ela se estava a levantar com uma força de vontade que nunca vi amandas-lhe uma gripe, uma pneumonia, cuidados intensivos, os orgãos a desistirem um a um, a inabalável esperança do Rui e o seu imenso amor, nós ambos ao pé da Tereza, toda ligada aos tubos, a inabalável esperança do Rui e a minha nula esperança, durou mais ou menos durante quinze dias
(mais de quinze dias)
o Rui acreditava, eu não acreditava e infelizmente a razão do meu lado, sempre me maçou ter razão, bendigo algumas das minhas asneiras, das minhas imprudências, das minhas tolices. Só ando certo ao escrever, no resto acho-me sinceramente
(e não consegues desmentir)
um palerma, no que diz respeito à vida prática eis o campeão dos azelhas, um desastrado Quixote interior. Bom, mas isso não interessa, interessa a Tereza, Tereza com z, não com s, não me desvies a esferográfica. Na missa de corpo presente comoveram-me as lágrimas do padre, mais junto de Ti e mais conhecedor das Tuas razões do que eu. Estaria zangado também, o padre? Ou aceitava? Senhor padre, entre nós que eu não conto a ninguém, estava zangado ou aceitava? No dia em que a Tereza morreu fui a casa deles, ainda o Rui não tinha dito aos filhos que lhes levaras a mãe
– Venha ver o sítio onde a Tereza lia os seus livros
um apartamento muito bonito, cheio de luz, cheio de vida, feito à justinha para as pessoas serem felizes, os livros, os quadros, os móveis. E depois a elegância de sentimentos do Rui, a elegância na dor, a mais rara de todas. A inveja de uma família assim, as irmãs, os pais, o
(não é piegas nem exagerado)
amor deles, a infinita delicadeza, a discrição de uma imensa ternura. E na volta, Deus, vens lá de cima fazer isto? Com que direito? Porquê? Explica-Te, mereço, no mínimo, uma justificação. Há coisas que doem, no caso de andares distraído: o anel da Tereza no dedo do Rui, o beijo que deu no anel, os pobres beijos que lhe dei a ele e não serviam de nada. Rui, eu gosto muito de si. Deus, neste momento não gosto nada de Ti. A Tereza queria tanto viver. Palavras suas
– Quero muito viver
ela sentada à minha frente, do outro lado da mesa onde escrevo, neste lugar cheio de lixo e tão sujo onde eu, obsessivamente meticuloso, me sinto, pasme-se, bem.
– Quero muito viver
dizia a Tereza
– Quero muito viver
depois de falarmos de trabalho e disto e daquilo, o que fizemos, o que íamos fazer. Que mulher tão forte a Tereza, Rui, que Mulher, apenas. O Rui
– Lembra-se da nossa viagem à América?
há pouco tempo, contentes. Contentes em Nova Iorque, Rui, em Washington. Em Boston roubei à descarada uma primeira edição do último Conrad, que o autor deixou incompleto. À Tereza e ao Rui quem os completa a partir de domingo, Deus? E agora um aviso solene, uma ameaça, uma ordem: livra-Te de tornares a meter-Te com a família do Rui. Ouviste bem? Livra-Te de tornares a meter-Te com a família do Rui porque, se o fizeres, vais ter-me à perna a Eternidade inteira e não sou um osso fácil de roer.

26 thoughts on “António Lobo Antunes – Descompustura ao meu amigo lá de cima

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